Inner Battle of Sorts

SO...

I have pretty much decided to write this like no body is reading it. Ever.

It makes me much more truthful and myself- honestly... I think it is more fun too.


I recently had someone very important in my life peace out for the time being. And I miss him. A lot. Like every single second he is on my mind and I cry at night because I didn't get to talk to him. Kinda disgusting, I know.

I have never been one to be for the mushy feely moments. In fact, when I am upset and I need to cry it out to someone else, it usually is like a five minute affair. But I have been having THE hardest time with this situation.

I know that I need to wait. Wait for me to get over him. Wait for the time that I can be friends with him. Wait for the longing to disappear. But this whole waiting thing is more like torture.

The worst part is- I want to be happy. I want to be my care-free self that doesn't need anyone or anything to be happy. I want to be able to smile at a stranger and feel alright with myself. I want to wake up every morning just grateful that I am alive and I get to share the day with others.

Unfortunately, things haven't been that way. I find myself thinking that it would be better if I stayed in bed all day and that maybe I shouldn't do anything because obviously the world isn't right. Some days I even think how great it would be to die- just so I don't have to do this life struggle thing anymore.

Before you get your panties in a bunch-
I am being dramatic when I think all these things. Most the time I think of them in a comical, joking way. But I do still think them- and I didn't use to.

Its freakin confusing.

I am having this inner battle between wanting to be happy and being held back.
Talk about being caught up in something

Now I don't really have a happy ending to this story like I usually do.
I just needed to have it written down. Out of my head and in ink somewhere else.

But- For the record. I have decided that I will vigilantly press forward trying to be happy ALL the time, even if it takes me some good amount of time.  

I have been trying- Forcing myself to go out and socialize... Doing my makeup and hair everyday... Making myself eat and whatnot. And part of me is happy. But part of me is still a drama baby. So I am hoping that in time, that happiness will grow and I can figure this all out.
If not- I will be complaining to you again ;)
Be prepared.

Well- Its late. And I am tired. 

Goodnight Y'all.

Kenni